What would you do if you found out that someone had broken into your home while you were sleeping?
15.06.2025 11:11
SISTER: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA DUH FFFFFuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkk?????!!!! You broke in?
SISTER: But they wouldn’t leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvveeeeeeeeee ussssssssssss!
HIM: RIGHT ON!!! (opens the pickle jar eagerly and stabs himself a couple of pickles and offers me)
What does a passable feminine crossdresser look like?
ME: NO!
HIM: But it’s so good! How much longer?
HIM: Please don’t tell me you’ve pulverized the Lobster meat?
How do I build rapport with anybody?
ME: Can’t have dill pickles, I am allergic to dill.
HUSBAND: Sure, hell, let’s eat!
I had a 3 pound Lobster in the freezer (neighbor gave it to me, because their son gave them too many). I decided to make Lobster Bisque. And I decided to go the Julia Child’s mode, putting the lobster and all with a pan underneath, and I began to pulverize the shells to a fine paste. Apparently, I had also forgotten that HE was still here!
Has anyone ever had sex with their cousin? How did it start, and would you do it again?
SISTER: Yeah buttttttttttttttttttttt…. You moved!
HIM: Cool! Thanks Southie!
WIFE: (slaps him)
HIM: (laughing) Yeah, that’s about right!
NEIGHBOR (MAN): What’s he doing here?
HIM: (puts $20.00 bill under the phone) - dials - gets his sister (who apparently just came home from work - a grouch).
Why do I feel like I want to suck a big dick after injecting meth?
SISTER: OOOOOOOOOO MMMMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGGGGG! My brother’s going to jaaiiiiiillllllll!
ME: (goes back and makes another order) Would you like to take a shower?
HIM: (thanking me and tries to eat and with the headset propped up on his shoulder)
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HIM: ______________!!!!!!!!!
SISTER: WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!!!!!
HIM: (sheepishly) Yeah, I broke into her house and busted the glass
Why is social media so anti-fee speech, and have they become total BS?
HIM: _________!!!???__________
HIM: But that’s already too much! I’ve busted your window, and you’ve spared me death, fed me, allowed me to do my laundry and shower.
BOTH NEIGHBORS goes into the dining room. Her husband goes into my kitchen and grabs a spoon, “Ohhhh, Lobster Bisque! My favorite!”
HUSBAND: What did your dad say about your profanities?
ME: Pow, Bang, to the moon, Alice, to the moon!
He invites them inside and they’re giving their dog lots of loves, while her husband is catching stuff or holding stuff!
HIM: Awwww!
ME: It’s made with lobster shells!
SISTER: Hey, I just realized you called me from someone else’s name? I was checking the caller idddddddddddddddd?
What are some ballbusting stories?
GLASS MAN: Well, why didn’t you knock on the door!
BROTHER: I wouldn’t know because you hung up on my phone call
ME: What if it were me? What would you have done?
Why is Nickelback known to be a bad band?
He then said “I must had entered into the wrong property. And I really, really am sorry. I will pay for the glass I broke. Where am I?” And I noticed the neighbor’s dog walked up to him, and he called him by name, and told him “on bed”. As he didn’t want him cut up (glass on floor).
SISTER: OOOOOOOOOOO MMMMMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
WIFE: (First name) what am I going to do with you!?
ME: Would it be easier to ask me if you could sleep on the spare bed here?
ME: I’m married - taken - sorry!
WIFE: Shot?
So after the 2nd 12 cup pot of Mr. Coffee brewing, the glass guy called early, and came around 7:30 in the morning!
ME: Thank you very much sir, you did a great job! Good bye!
SISTER: No shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttt Sherloooooooooocckkkkkk You just now found that outttttttttttttt?
How would you spank me if I had been sent home from a school camp because of my poor behavior?
SISTER: YEAHHHHH But you bro…………….
SISTER: You’re always talking with your mouthful! Where the hell are you?
HIM: (he hung up on her)
ME: (Gives him a thumbs up)
HUSBAND: Spoil sport!
He then said “Why is xxxx (dog’s name) here?” I then responded, “The neighbors next door had to take their other little dog over to the other side of the state for surgery. I am babysitting him. The reason why I pulled the gun back was to the fact the dog knew you and you called it by name.”
SISTER: Sooooooooooooooo where’s mom and daaaaaaaaaadddddd?
HIM: I love lobster but….
ME: Please shout out when you’re out of the shower so I can start cooking.
HIM: Please don’t mimic my sister!
HIM: My kind of girl!
ME: (goes into the kitchen - makes Bacon, Eggs, and Grits with cheese for him - since he looked pretty hungry). Then I bring him a plate and set it down in front of him with a glass of milk, and small glass of orange juice.
WIFE: “FOR GOODNESS SAKES GET OUT OF HER KITCHEN NOW!”
SISTER: What the ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkk? You’ve got the entire neighborhood in the houssssssssssssssssssssse?
SISTER: CHILLLLLLLLLL OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
HIM: Lord, Father God, I ask you to bless this lovely dinner tonight and I am ever thankful that I was never shot! Lesson learned. I will appreciate tonight’s dinner forever! AMEN!
WIFE: Son (talking to former neighbor’s son), You have a lot of explaining to do here!
He then grabs another cup of coffee and sits there and observes me making Lobster Bisque. The aroma filled the house. He kept coming in with a soup spoon and “sampling”! Then he realizes there’s no Lobster meat in the pot!
ME: STAY OUT OF THE DANGNABIT STOVE AND REFRIGERATOR!
ME: Why not? You’re both adults! They can do whatever they want, they don’t need your permission!
Then her husband begins to eat.
I then said “Where’s your car or truck?”
HIM: You just pulverized the lobster?
HIM: No dummy! You know I always have that window set, because of work? Remember? It was the only way I could come home from work around 11 at night was through the window.
ME: (laughing)
WIFE: Yes she doooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss!
HIM: Please! I’m starving! I drove 11 hours straight to home, well, used to be home!
WIFE: “ YOU ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY! You need to lose some pounds buster!”
ME: Well, I am sorry to report this, but again, your parents sold me the property. They no longer live here and I couldn’t give you any other information except they took off RV’ing and exploring the North America, as I did hear them remark “We’re heading off to Canada.”
ME: Oops, I forgot something!
SISTER: Fock youuuuuuuuuuu!
I then said “Backyard”, so he took him to the back yard. Then I heard the dog howl-bark (he doesn’t make a sound, unless there’s absolutely something drastically wrong). I just ran into my own door, because he opened it while I was heading out to the door to find out why the dog was howling and howl-bark and then he grabbed me and said “Sorry! I was going to say they’re home! But I didn’t see (name of other dog)!”
HIM: (in background) Yeah I know, I am at her house, at our old house.
HUSBAND: “But it’s so good! Try it!”
HIM: Yeah, I supposed dad retired, that was their plans. Not surprised, but what I am surprised is, they never told me.
HIM: (Yelling back) AWESOME DUDE! (Pauses) SORRY! AWESOME SOUTHIE!
For some reason, I was working in the office, and since my small couch is also a daybed, I went to lie there with the neighbor’s dog next to me. The dog nuzzled my arm, and I woke up, and I felt a very strong draft. (I knew I had all the windows closed.) So I pulled my Ruger Blackhawk (SuperHawk) 44 magnum, loaded it, and turned the safety off (ready to fire).
SISTER: SHUT THE FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKK UPPPPPPPPPP you biiiiiiiiittttttttchhhh!
SISTER: OOOOOO MMMMM GGGGGGGG!!!!!!! Mom and Dad disappeared! They’re being held hostage!
Then tells me to sit down after I put the hot pads on the table.
He then tells me that he’s going to take the blind dog out for a walk. But the dog kept taking him back home (next door). So much for the dog walking, he wound up carrying the dog back over here because he wouldn’t get up after lying down on his front porch!
The former neighbor’s son then grabs a couple more soup bowls and sets the table. And he then pops bread in the broiler that’s been buttered and garlic.
HIM: Yeah I did move, I’m on vacation, I came down to visit Mom and Dad….
HIM: (shrugs) And looks at the 2 grilled cheese sandwiches. (I knew what he was looking for that wasn’t there)
Well, I brought the property (house/residential), the Owners wanted a quick sale because they brought an RV, loaded everything they wanted on it and was “Out spending their children’s inheritance”.
WIFE: “DID YOUR MAMA EVER TELL YOU HOW RUDE YOU ARE?”
One night, our son was sleeping over his grandparent’s house (they had a big event - going to Busch Gardens), my (ex) husband got called to work, so I was home alone. I was babysitting my neighbor’s next door’s almost “blind”, but elderly, dog (they had to take their other dog across the state for surgery). That dog was a Rottweiler Timber Wolf mix.
He grabs the soup ladle and serves everyone.
I gave her a gentle hug and offered my condolences. And the former neighbor’s son also gave her hugs. Then the wife said “You know, you should come over our house and spend the night, it’s somewhat intrusive that you’re over here. And deary? (Speaking to me) Thank you for not shooting him!”
WIFE: (smacks him)
BROTHER: Last warning! I mean it!
While he took a shower, he then shouted out, I noticed I was running low on eggs, so I shouted back “Grilled Cheese Sandwiches? I’m sort of hungry myself too.”
FORMER NEIGHBOR’S SON: I will ask the blessing if I may? Southie?
ME: (Giving my full name and he just stood there)
HUSBAND: “So? I know good food when I see and smell it! I’m hungry!”
HIM: He really doesn’t know my parents!
HIM: HEY! That’s not nice! Apologize!
ME: (being humorus) So you like to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllllll? Every word you saaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy?
ME: Go ahead. (leading him to the open area - dining room, and the phone’s right there).
The poor guy just literally peed in his pants and his eyes were round as saucers, and he was trembling and frightened and begged “Don’t shoot! Don’t Shoot!”, I then drew back the firing pin, and raised the gun up.
It was his sister (told me to put her on the speaker phone)
ME: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
HIM: It’s alright, I cleaned it up, and we got a board up. Going to buy her a new window in the morning!
HIM: I did it!
HIM: Yeah, No, No, No. I was coming home! You know Mom and Dad always goes to bed around 8 every night…
NEIGHBOR (WOMAN): Well, xxxxx (his first name), it’s good to see you! But you know your mom and dad doesn’t live here anymore, right?
ME: I know some parents who fits the bill of what you’ve described!
He then assumed I was related to the dog’s parents, because he said “Please tell Mr and Mrs xxxx, that I will pay for the window, I was trying to go back home.”
ME: No, that goes in the last 5–10 minutes before we eat.
HIM: You’ve never met my parents have you?
HIM: Yeah, the new owner made me breakfast, I’m starving!
ME: Have you ever had Lobster Bisque?
HIM: Please!
GLASS MAN: Here’s your receipt! Next time son, ask your Mom over there (He assumed I was his mother) for the house key, and hide it! If there’s squeaky doors, you can…
ME: No your brother is not going to jail. I am not calling the police.
ME: Just call me Southie, it’s my nickname
SISTER: I would have shot him if he did that to me!
HIM: He then goes through a bunch of hotels and motels, trying to find a room - cheap and as early available entry hours. The earliest one he could find was 11 AM, about 5 miles away.
He then takes the Blind dog out in the backyard to do his business, and then brings him back inside - wiping his paws, and then has him to follow him to the spare bedroom (which is a queen sized), and had the dog on the bed and he tucked himself in. Was out cold in about 5 minutes or less.
ME: (smiles)
ME: About another half hour before the meat goes back into the pot.
HIM: They brought the dream RV, they’ve gone RV’ing!
HIM: Oh mannnnnnnnnn! I love that!
(Pauses)
(He opens the other window curtains, and I could see his Honda Goldwing, 1100, parked right there. Apparently, he opened the double-gate and parked his bike there. Which that right there explained to me why there’s a small “concrete pad” (about 9′ x 7.5′) and the double awning was set high (which acted like a “Bike Port”).
GLASS MAN: (Eye rolls) and within 25 minutes, he got the glass repaired and it was all safe and sound.
(Gets up and grabs a jar and returns to the table with a fork)
ME: No! They are not!
ME: Yeah, it’s over there in the top drawer.
HIM: (goes to the drawer, spies a notepad and pen and stays at the dining room table) Dialing some 24 hour Window Repair, getting quotes. Found one guy who can come out in the morning to fix it. (Cost $250.00.)
HIM: (Pulls out $300 handing it to me) For the food, shower, bed, and laundry and all. Can I leave my bike there, I’m going to head back home tomorrow. If my sister ever calls me back, give her my telephone number (writes it down and places it beside the phone). Thanks for everything!
ME: Yessssssssssssssssssssss! (reminding him of his sister)
HIM: I didn’t come by car or truck, I came by motorcycle. It’s parked at my usual spot over there.
SISTER: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????
We ate, and then he insisted on doing the dishes, and he did it all, and figured out where everything went after he dried it. I had the television on (early morning news).
ME: Sure.
HIM: Pays the glass man $250.00 cash
HIM: You’re too old…. (then realizes what he just said) I mean, I mean…
ME: (turns speaker phone on and sets the headset down)
HUSBAND: Grace here! (begins to eat)
I also handed him a Can of Sprite, and told him to “Sit down”, and he did. I then said, “Your mom and dad sold the property to me; they’re out per what their last words said and the bumper sticker on the back of the RV “Out spending their children’s inheritance”. I had been upgrading and remodeling the house if you noticed the wall there is wide open and unfinished (I had a huge blanket propped with clothespins against the wall that was opened), as you can see it’s now PVC piping, the sewer pipe below has completely rusted out so the new pipes going in tomorrow is propped here.
I then told him to “sit down on my son’s chair.” He then said “in a minute, cleaning up…” I then realized he wasn’t a threat, so I went to the garage and got a plywood board and we made it fit (temporary cover).
HIM: Oh sorry Ma’am Reverend, Priest, (stumbling for words)
ME: Is she always like that? Rolling out every single words?
ME: Yeah I could have too but I didn’t!
(I walk him to the hall linen closet, gives him some towels, and he went outside to his motorcycle and grabbed some clean clothes, his soap, shampoo, hairbrush, electric razor, Toothbrush and toothpaste, and other necessities. He pulls his shirt off and I saw him put into another side bag, and I realized that’s his dirty laundry and I tap on the window and “using my finger” - pointing to his dirty clothes and inside. So he lugs all his dirty clothes and brings it inside. Once he comes back inside, and he said “Washer in garage?” Which I nodded yes, so he put his dirty laundry in the garage and said “I will wash it once I get done with the shower.”)
He stood there, and said “This was busted from the outside in. Did you call the police?”
ME: Yeah, the shells. Yeah, not the meat! The meat’s in the pot!
HIM: Well I found that out!
SISTER: FFFFFFF….
HIM: ___________!!!!!!!!
He then comes out, shaving with his battery operated electric razor (rechargeable) and then goes into the garage and runs the washer.
ME: Yes, I can drink 12 pot myself!
ME: Oops! Sorry! I forgot you were here!
HAHAHAHAHA! It definitely woke him up!
I’m brewing coffee, and he then says “I hope that’s a full pot you’re brewing.”
ME: (Laughing) Yes, you’re old enough to be my son!
HUSBAND: “I’ll seat myself! Serve it up!”
HIM: Do you mind if I call my sister up? It will be long distance, she lives in Colorado.
ME: Just ask.
WHY?
And I went to finish up the soup and the neighbors next door came over, and they were literally SHOCKED to see their old neighbor’s son next door answering my front door! Their dog was so happy they were home, and his tail was knocking everything off within its reach, almost toppling over the living room lamp!
The Rest of the day was pretty quiet. Late in the afternoon, My mom calls, and said “He’s (my son) is going to spend the night, you can swing by in the morning to pick him up! We’re all beat! Heading to bed early tonight!” I then said “Fine, see ya’ll tomorrow.” I phoned the dispatcher to find out if they had any knowledge when he (my husband) would be heading home, and was advised he’s still heading out to Seattle, probably won’t be back around here any time soon, probably a good 2 weeks or so.
While this one here may cause many people’s eyes to open! No criminal charges were filed! In fact, a case and event like this is super-rare!
WIFE: (FIRST NAME) Mind your manners! We have to say the grace here!
BOTH are talking, and apparently his sister is surprised that Mom and Dad had sold the house, they didn’t tell her either.
ME: Gee! Thanks a lot! I’ve spared you but you wouldn’t spare me?
HIM: Do you have a yellow pages?
SISTER: WHUUUUUUUUUHHHHH?
HIM: That’s why I am calling you to find out if you knew!
ME: You’ve cleaned your plate up? Would you like me to make some more?
Then I saw my son’s bedroom nightstand light go on, and there was this, young guy, who looked like he was about 24–25 years old, picking up the glass (broke the window), and with my gun pointing right at him.
HIM: Yeah, and bad enough, she thinks she’s cool! If she talked like that to Mom - Mom would have slapped her brains to the other end of the street. And if she talked like that to Dad - well, she wouldn’t have any body parts left!
HIM: Opens the refrigerator door, spies the lobster meat, grabs a piece!
To the fact he was picking up glass, he then said “So sorry, I was going into my bedroom and couldn’t figure out why my window wouldn’t open, so I forced it open and broke the glass.” (he was becoming teary eyed). I had a broom and dustpan right there in the hallway closet and pulled that out and kicked it over towards him while turning on the lights above (ceiling fan), and then told him “Garbage can is right there, beside my son’s desk.”
ME: “Would you like to join us? You can hear the tale of the busted window!”
WIFE: Hello (calling her first name) How are you doing over in Colly-rad-O?
So the dinner goes on, with her husband having like 4 or 5 bowls of Lobster Bisque. Pretty much everyone ate their fill and I had enough for left over for lunch. And he tells them what happened.
ME: Want the short story or long story?
HIM: I’d probably shoot and ask questions later.
SISTER: (getting mad) Enough with that bulll-shittttttttttttttttttt!
HUSBAND: (clicks phone off and with a gruff) She hasn’t changed! Wondered what she called about?
WIFE: “(First name) GET OUT OF HER COOKING POT! IT’S NOT YOURS!”
Then the phone rang, while the Wife and neighbor’s former son washed and dried the dishes.
HER BROTHER: Knock it off before I hang up on you again! I swear that’s the only good reason you moved over there because weed is legal!
I then asked, “Is your mom and dad’s names xxxx and xxxx (last name)?” He said “Yeah, I’m (xxxx) first name.”
I then said “Hold on, it’s possible the dog did not make it.”
ME: (in background) Hey hon! I’m not so cold hearted that I shoot everyone that breaks into my house!
HIM: At our old home?
Her husband takes the dog home, and the wife then tells me “We sent my beloved baby to rainbow bridge. Surgery was no longer an option or advisable. We had a taxidermist come out, as I am having my baby going through taxidermy. When it’s time for me to go, he’s going to be buried with me.”
SISTER: WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?
HIM: What the hell was that?
ME: Laughing
HIM: Thanks so much Ma’am, and oh, What’s your name?